me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.