The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
You Might Also Like
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*