eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I think I’ll stand
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.