[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
You Might Also Like
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
the prophecy has been fulfilled
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
uncle dave has been through hell
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?