[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
i spent way too long on this
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon