If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
This is hilarious….
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.