Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Can Happiness buy money?
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.