People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.