2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me and my fake scenarios
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Order here:
More here:
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.