Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
a lot to unpack here
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.