Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back