I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Put a ring on it
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
why am I working on Labor Day