Dead sexy!!
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis