The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out