Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.