If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
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WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.