My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I self medicate, therefore you live.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Ugh
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree