Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“What?”
– Jude
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.