Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.