ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
This sounds bad:
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
pls suprot
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game