Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Yes, but it was never about money
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.