I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS