Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Squirrels before girls.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When I said I liked it rough.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there