I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
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Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
philosophical skeletons be like
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
How do dragons blow out candles?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour