I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
philosophical skeletons be like
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”