I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!