If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time