Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
You Might Also Like
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Wake me when AI does housework
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
the simulation is moving too fast
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.