My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
the three branches of government
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The glory of fall.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.