Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
You Might Also Like
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”