1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?