Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.