When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Beauty and the Beast
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”