[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart