No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
You Might Also Like
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!