“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
podcasts
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid