Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Extremely relatable.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
#NoRestForTheWicked
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*gets down on one knee*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.