Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I didn’t realize that was an option
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs