Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic