If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?