Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Are you ok, human???
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.