It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You Might Also Like
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.