My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.