HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
This could be us but you eatin’
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans