I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
*skinny dips into black hole
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats