do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.