Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day