We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
😂💯
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I wish I were this cool 😂
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]