You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
lmfao come on
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.