Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny